I had a hard time even starting this post in the wee hours of the morning. Because today was one of the days where I almost threw my hands of up in the air and quit it all. Quit? Quit what?
Motherhood? No. The rest of it. I want sometimes so much... to be home with you.
|Best Mother's Day EVER!|
I mean... I am glad that you are three, and your brother four.
I like "kids" much more than babies. Babies don't say things like, "Oh, Mommy I love your necklace and princess hat" and "This is a big poop, right? Do you like it?" That stuff is the best and I laugh my fool head off most of the time.
But what funny things am I missing during the day? What am I missing because I am preoccupied with stuff that I hate? Stuff that is sucking the life out of me on a daily basis?
My dear babies.... I guess I just want written record of the fact that I tried. I tried to be a good mother between the hours of 5:30pm and 8pm Monday through Friday, and all day on the weekends. I hope it's enough. I hope you always feel loved, not smothered ...and happy, not worried.
Now, instead... I wonder... I wonder if I had pursued that journalism degree, moved to Colorado to train in weightlifting, and gone to SCAD.
But I know what that answer would be: I wouldn't have you, my precious babies.
And that's defintely not the right answer.
So. If something happens to me before you are old enough for me to scream these words at the top of my lungs, the Expert Father has been instructed to pass along all the writings I have scribbled, all the 100000 blog posts...
but this one, being perhaps the most important:
Go with your heart. And your gut. But always use your brain for the responsibilities... If I had it to do over, I would do THIS all over again. I am not where I want to be... but I have you, and I WILL be where I want to be...
Remember: JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING ISN'T HAPPENING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
For now, I am just out of my mind. :) So. Did I just use this blog to self-therapize myself? Guess so.
I love you, James & Stella. To the moon and back.